Well it’s been a very long time, just under a year since I last posted to this blog.
There are a few reasons for that and how my lifestyle has been over the last year.
It’s about time I posted an update for reference to myself and anyone that comes across this.
Some of the reasons why I never updated this was at the time of the last post I was showing my psychologist this blog and didn’t want to post an update about that, also I made a friend who only lasted a month or so ‘like usual’ so I didn’t want to post an update which could have privacy and other concerns about things I was going though and discussing with others at the time.
Since my last blog post things have fallen apart in many areas and I am still a stay at home person and things have gotten a lot to me, I guess you could now officially call and fully class me as me Hikikomori, which is social withdrawal and self exclusion for society, which is exactly what has happened to me over the last few years.
My reasons for this is my lack of social life trying and getting rejected and many other things which has made me feel like I am incompatible with society and other people despite how much I try to care and support others.
About the time of my last blog I met a girl from an online site and we hung out a few times then like usual she stopped replying as usual I tried to be a supportive understanding caring person and offered to do many things.
It was about this time I saw the Fireworks Anime movie which I actually enjoyed despite some people not liking it.
Also at this time I really started looking at creating the support and interest site I mentioned in the last blog and was hoping that girl could have helped me launch it but she decided to stop contacting and messaging me back despite me trying to keep in contact with her and be the best person I can.
Between then and say february not much happened I was feeling very low and depressed, I slept, played games, listened to Jpop etc and on and off continued to plan the community, I thought about updating this blog but couldn’t be bothered due to how I was feeling and that people seem to drop me and not really care about keeping in contact.
Then in january, my dad who goes to and knows the people at a hydroponics place, he talked to them about me and they offered to have me help out for a few days which I did, there was obviously no job there but everyone felt it would be a chance for me to get out of the house.
I also posted on the site meetup where I met a couple of people and went to Australia day with one guy which was a bit of a keep to himself guy, but none seemed really interested in keeping in contact so I no longer have any contact with any of them.
I met a guy at the hydroponics place who seemed decent and I was hoping he could help launch my support site as he himself is a technician and website developer but he seemed to go quiet then tell me I had to do things myself on my own and he was not my developer etc, I was hoping as he was struggling for work and feeling the pressures etc of it and going through his own issues, he could have used this opportunity for promoting his own skills and grow his portfolio as well I even offered to show gratitude back towards him anyway I could and give him a little something as a thanks, also I was up for socialising and getting to know him as a person and just hang out and do things, but he seemed to like and wanted to be alone from what I saw.
A couple of months back I chatted to another girl and met her up but as much as I tried to show support and caring she was doing the whole ‘thanks but no thanks I’m good’ thing on pretty much everything, when you see someone doing this it seems to me anyway that its very obvious they are not interested, as even just wanting to suggest games for their new gaming console should not be something to turn down.
I am always a believer in never turn down a free genuine offer of support for help because you never know when someone will show that much gratitude back towards you again.
I have since tried to chat to and meet more people and it seems that unless I talk to them first they don’t seem to want to chat on their own.
We live in a world where it’s all about money and reaching quotas and targets.
A world where people don’t genuinely want to help and care about someone unless they can get something back out of it for themselves.
A world where if you have something to offer, people want it at the lowest expense available and they want to sell you what they have at the highest acceptable margin possible.
I aim to try to change things especially for how I deal with people, everything I have is on offer for free, the only thing is I however work on an equal basis where whatever I am offering I expect someone to show that support and gratitude back equally and I don’t like to take cash as I hate being ‘paid off’ so to say which others have tried to do in the past to me.
At the time of that last girl I met, I slipped into quite some bad depression again and didn’t want to talk to anyone so I cancelled my doctor and psychology appointments, as well I have come off antidepressants and while I am struggling more and I am more emotional, in a way its kinda a nice thing to feel the raw emotions again and not be able to cope at times.
As of the hydroponics place and knowing the last girl I had been working on a testing setup for my community, and about a month back I launched it properly, the community is called CAJGO-Support, back years ago I may blogged it, as after a convention on the way back home a couple of guys gave me the acronym and its since stuck even while trying to find a better name this still kept popping back up.
What the name is Cosplay,Anime,Japanese fans, Gamers and Other related people such as technology enthusiasts and generally other people, the Support is based on supporting people through their own lives, mental health and other issues to create and become a family of people helping and supporting each other through our lives.
There are a lot of people out there with mental health and other issues especially with the same interests as I do and my aim is to try to find and support them, while showing them the light and to help them get there.
The site is struggling to gain members despite me trying and because of something I overlooked when doing the domain registration ‘not having my ICANN registry set to private’ which was an extra cost I have been inundated with marketing and website development companies offering me paid services some even trying to really push it by saying and trying to understand what I go personally through.
I am not keen on paying for services when with all my struggles I am very afraid of putting money into something which will end up not going anywhere and I would have nothing to show in the end for an investment.
Just look at my previous blogs about how I put thousands into other knowing, trying with various girls and dating sites only for things to not work out and people to not really care in all extents.
If someone really wants to know what I go through in life they should read every blog on this site and try to put themselves as me, then contact and discuss these things with me while keeping an open mind, then ask questions in a compassionate way.
Most people don’t and wouldn’t understand being constantly pushed away by others and being called the problem when you yourself try to go above and beyond how most others would to support them, especially those who seem to issues themselves.
Nor do many people know the feeling of rejection and inequality of what it’s like to be kicked out from somewhere where they thought you were drunk but instead where you have social anxiety and panic attacks, or just feel left out and ignored by people in general.
Or what it’s like to try to support and care about others at your own expense so you can also help yourself, but instead people keep pushing you away from them then have the nerve to tell you to ‘help yourself’ when you are by trying to know them.
All of which I have personally experienced a few times as seen in my past blogs here.
Aside from things, my Arcade project has stalled a bit as I haven’t been to my dads much, as well other projects have stalled, I will pick them up again at some stage.
My dad has been having more medical stuff and it’s suspected he has incurable cancer which can only be treated, we all are hoping it can be managed and he has a decent amount of decent life left.
It’s a shock because he is the only family member I keep in contact with and the only one here that understands me as I have lost contact with everyone else locally in my life.
For me I have been playing many games Final Fantasy XV, Akiba’s Beat and others.
I have even started watching anime and stuff again after soo long and that is all posted to the community which is our discussion forum even for those reading this blog we can discuss this and other things there and I can create links later if we need more inter connectivity between sites.
This weekend coming is the Le Mans 24 Hour car race I usually watch and one of the very few things I watch every year still.
And the next weekend after is the Supernova convention here in Perth which I am struggling with my emotions about going and I know I should but with how things have been and isolated I have felt it could be a bit too much seeing other people socialise with what I go through being alone etc.
Overall I am struggling here very bad and as such have isolated myself and closed off my heart in ways to protect myself from constantly getting stabbed every time I try to open it to meet and care about others.
I feel that with my social life, trying to be a good person and meet others isn’t really working for me despite trying and I’m just one of societies forgotten it seems.
For this blog’s song which I missed the last couple times I recommend this which I have had a lot of stuff like this popping up on YouTube the last month or so.
Where I go from here I don’t know but at least I am still alive if that makes any difference.
I need to do an update on my hobbies and interests and stuff since the last blog, that will be in a future blog, this one is mainly an update about trying with people and my general thoughts over the last year etc.
Until next time this is drguild signing out.
As always, take care of yourself and be the best and genuine person you can be to others around you.