It’s been awhile since I did an update to this blog and there are a few reasons for that over the last couple of years, some of which were ongoing things with my life with people who it wasn’t in the best interest to publicly disclose while said stuff was going on where those people could end up reading this blog and the ongoing things with me.
Though most of that is over with now and things have moved on, although not in the way I would have liked them to.
So what have I been doing these last couple years and where am I at currently, you’re about to find out.
Well since I last did this blog I wasn’t in the best place with how I was and was frustrated that despite me posting here about things not much was changing, as well I got comments that I shouldn’t be posting the blog and mentioning things about people.
Since then I kept going to Neko Nation each time until I was kicked out one night as the bouncer thought I was completely drunk, I don’t drink alcohol at all, but was going through a really rough time with my anxiety I’ll mention below, which he should have picked up on the fact that I wasn’t drinking if he was watching me, I did send them an email about it all and they had other incidents from that security group, so I kinda felt a little unwelcome and gave up going.
Well socially I had someone I knew many years ago come back to know me again about the time I stopped the blog, this didn’t go well, after I hung out with the person which seemed to go very well, she sporadically stopped answering calls and responding to my messages and when I did hear from her, she was telling me she hated life wanted to run away or die etc.
The messages from her weren’t often and I was worried for her that I tried to get in contact with her, so I could give her as much support as I could, but she refused and blocked my messages and calls.
Then she kinda went off at me that I have issues and her friends told her not to know me and I was the one that clams up on people and was negative all the time.
I left it and then ran into her at a convention a month or so later where she introduced me to her ‘boyfriend’ who I could tell was the reason she pushed me away and ignored me trying to get in contact with her.
I ran out of that convention in a daze like one of those movies of someone trying to get through the crowd with a blur around them with the screen pulsing to a heartbeat.
Well didn’t hear from her for months until she asked to see me at my dad’s, confused I questioned and asked politely what was going on and why I was treated the way I was and for her to be honest, in which she apologized and never gave me an answer dodging the question yet started getting rude at me saying that if she could only talk to me once or twice a year I should be grateful.
Yet in the end I was blamed for everything that I needed to be in a hospital being looked after by nurses, well if you’re going to send messages about hating your life and giving the impression you’re going to hurt yourself then not respond to people and ignore someone for months and then get rude to them if is you initiating the contact, that’s not a good look or a very polite thing to do.
I can understand if a girl meets a guy, if she goes kinda quiet to other guys, especially those that may like her, but that doesn’t excuse being totally ignored then told off about things and not treated with human decency with respect and honesty.
If it was me and I initiated the conversation again after a while I would have a chat and explain everything politely, what had happened, why and apologise and work with the person for a better outcome.
During this time I tried to meet people at conventions and even posted on a forum about my bad situations where I met up with a girl from that forum I had met in the past and we started working on making cosplays together but somehow I stopped hearing from her, I think I may have laid on my anxiety etc a bit and she may have felt I was getting her to do things for me.
After that I ended up dating a girl who ended up as my very first proper girlfriend and first girl I have been with, initially things were great and we went out a lot together and I was very happy to be going out doing things with someone like the ‘royal show’, walks, beach, dinners and other things especially with a proper girlfriend, but she was on medication and with changing doses and other emotional factors and her lifestyle she had commitment issues and kept trying to pull away from me as I could see she would have an initial spark and then she would pull away, much like a kid who gets a new toy and gets bored and tries to find the next new thing to focus on.
I tried to be here for her and spent a load of money on her a few thousand dollars on her car at the time and other things to help and support her only for her to tell me she didn’t really want to do anything back and I didn’t really mean anything to her and she didn’t feel anything for me.
Likewise her parents mentioned she was a user of guys and it was something they knew all about.
As a result I hit some severe depression and anxiety post dating her as a result and could not cope to the point where I ended up in hospital for a night under observation as I was walking on a highway staring straight at oncoming cars.
I found out that just after I was pushed away which was a few months after I stopped dating her, that she got pregnant and now has a kid, as for the father, she told me things never worked out with him also and they are remaining friends.
She contacted me a few months ago to come over and talk as she was wanting to see how I was etc, I was held back after everything but she was a little rude as a result which made things feel worse for me.
If you’re going to initiate and contact someone after months and are genuine to see and care about how they are and know they have anxiety and depression, you don’t want to be making them feel more awkward by mentioning if they are ‘moping around’ or if they are going to be awkward that you just don’t chat and you will go home.
Nor do you get frustrated and start throwing things back at them, especially telling them to not allow themselves be used, especially when it was that person that seemed to use them originally, nor seem to take the interest, commitment to understand and care about that person in the first place.
You cannot tell someone how to be, act and how they should improve themselves if you are not prepared to do it yourself to set the example and to also be the one to take care of them yourself.
If it was me I would be fully giving that other person respect and listening to them without backlash and trying to see things from their perspective and to work with them on the level at their own pace.
The next person in the list was a girl from Europe I met, she was initially keen to meet and see what would happen but kept saying she was ‘complicated’ also the more I got to know her, the more she tried to be a doctor to me and diagnose me with what she thought I had then start to recommend a bunch of stuff to me.
We were Skyping most weekdays of video chat and messaging constantly.
We discussed meeting and seeing what would happen as she seemed ok and genuine in some ways and we discussed that it would be a lot of money just to meet only to decide what we meant to each other and that we should have a good idea beforehand on that, she agreed to that which we discussed, so we sorted out her airfare (which I paid for) and visa etc to come here to Perth Australia but as things got closer, she started panicking with anxiety and other things and wanted to pull out. I had booked her on all A380 aircraft both ways and sorted out all her travel arrangements as she stayed for a month.
As well I sorted out a few things for her on request and other such as getting and making a freestanding bath for her which is sitting on my bathroom floor, getting new bed sheets and doing what I could to make her trip comfortable here.
Eventually she did come here but turned me down the very next day as soon as we woke up saying she felt for someone else but didn’t want to hurt me etc, which is a big slap in the face and triggered my anxiety and depression around her as that was what I was afraid of, paying a lot of money only to be turned down as soon as she got here.
So I struggled for the next month with her here and she took a lot of things the wrong way and ended up causing arguments like me being accountable to my dad with what was going on and my depression and anxiety which caused her to argue as well as a lot of little things.
She started signing me up on disabled dating sites etc without talking to me about it as well she had her own personal issues, temperature, bed material, chest and other things she was picky about.
While she was here I did give her a place to stay, never kicked her out or thought about it. I cooked most of the meals as well allowed her to relax watch tv, Skype with her family or whatever really.
I even got her a load of gifts and things to make herself and her life more comfortable, new phone, heated vest, new shoes, clothes etc and did meet her requests for extra household items she thought I should have here as well as getting a top quality though pricy heated queen bed cover with dual controls and other things.
Despite the arguments and issues I really enjoyed having her here in a sense and finally getting to go out and do things a little and being with someone even if some of it was time limited due to her issues. That meant a lot to me even just sleeping next to her for the time she was here was an experience to remember.
Nothing happened between us in the period she was here though.
On my birthday I bawled like anything for hours with her here and couldn’t stop myself crying due to all the emotion etc I was going through.
After she went back the guy she liked turned her down, I tried to keep in contact for a bit but it was just really awkward especially as she was trying to doctor me even more and tell me that doing X thing (taking clay baths / heavy metal detox) etc would solve all my social and other issues and she was continuing to diagnose and label me with various things that seemed to fit in her mind.
She did send me a gift box in the mail when she got back home of various things (mostly food) which was a nice touch after what I did for her despite all the issues and feelings as she did feel somewhat bad I keep supporting others without getting much back for myself.
So in the end I decided to leave the contact as that and went quiet, it’s not often I go quiet and push people away especially as I have been pushed away that much myself but when things are awkward and too much for me I can withdraw and end up focusing on other things to try to keep myself occupied.
From there I knew a disabled girl in a wheelchair, we were great friends and I’m sure we both have great respect for each other still, but while I was friends with her she was wanting more and physically I was wanting more which we both allowed to happen, though I knew that deep down with long-term, while she was a great person and emotionally everything was great, physically it wasn’t going to really work out the way I would have liked with going out and supporting each other, I was happy to continue being a friend but when that other girl came over this one found a boyfriend and we parted on good terms.
After all the previous stuff I had known a girl online for the last 2 years or so, we were great friends and I really wanted to meet her and we did feel a bit for each other.
We talked about possibly starting up a potential partnership and supporting each other etc.
But this year I have had a lot of initiation issues and feelings of hurt and realisations speaking to doctors and psychologists that I do a lot for others without them doing much back or not at all for me on their own, also I feel that I need more accountability with myself towards others with them having an input and say into my life and working together on joint choices and things for mutual benefit rather than just me doing my own thing, as I really want to work with people on things to have that closeness and to have equal input from both sides with the other person also looking out for my wellbeing and supporting and doing things for me on their own, as well as me doing it for them and do consider that a very important thing I currently need in my life.
So I tried to talk to this girl about it as it was mainly me leading the conversations and showing affection etc and thinking about her coming here and what happens etc and wanted her to initiate and lead at times also, she pretty much threw it back and said she wasn’t like that and that I was expecting too much and to find someone else if that’s what I wanted and that with her the guy should be doing the work as she just wants to take things as it comes passively and not focus too much on things or have things seem like work.
I beg to differ on some of that a lot as you can see from this video here it’s nice when a girl or other person does things back for you on their own to surprise and support you back.
Relationships and friendships need to go both ways equally with initiating, leading and looking out for each other.
Also with accountability with one’s action, support and knowing what the other person does while taking more of an interest into things with the other person is very important with being able to support, have accountability and to work together with things with and how they live and manage their own life, this video shows how much it’s needed early in a relationship and when changes do happen, what can happen if that focus on understanding and knowing current situations with the other person is not good enough.
As for that lady she has moved on and got remarried and her life is better from those times which is great to hear.
Earlier in the year I met up with a girl from my social anxiety course for a movie, (more of that course in part 2), but she didn’t seem to keep in contact and I probably didn’t seem keen myself with how I was feeling in general.
A few month ago I chatted to a local girl we sent a lot of messages initially back and forth for a few days then after that when we did chat it was after I sent a message asking how she was and she would get back at the end of the week, where we would end up sending many messages back and forth for a day or so really enjoying the conversation and joking around, then things would go quiet until next time I sent a message asking how she was, this happened for a few weeks and then my messages stopped being replied to for no reason after chatting and being really friendly and talking about learning japanese and doing other things together.
Which brings me back to the initiation thing, as with that girl I was initiating the conversation and knew if I didn’t send her messages she wouldn’t send one back. It’s why I have and take issue with people not initiating back with me on their own, as I am prepared to put in the work as long as its equal with people putting the work back in with me on their own, I will explain more in part 2 about how this has affected me what usually seems to happen etc.
All up with girls since my last blog I spent about five thousand Australian dollars or so on them and also a grand extra lending my dad money without anything much back in return or initiation from them, sacrificing my own wants and stuff such as PC upgrades and working on my own projects to support and care about others and even bring one girl over from Europe for a month at my own cost and was planning to bring over another girl at my own cost also, but none of these girls have really felt back or done anything to support and initiate on their own to show affection and how much they care with me back for what I have done for them, except one which didn’t seem to mean much in the end.
It would be nice if someone supported me or even gave me a free all expenses paid trip somewhere, as doctors and psychologists do feel it’s time someone did something back for me rather than me for them and are very concerned with this with me about what I get back from others for myself.
It’s also where my issues with other people showing support and initiating back come from because I do a lot for others without people doing much back at all.
I don’t even get family gifts in the mail or anyone offering to buy me lunch or whatever it’s usually me to them apart from my dad occasionally.
All this has led to a life that I am currently living and my current lifestyle as I type this …..
(To Be Continued)
This blog is going to be a bit long so I’ll leave it here with the main girls since last blog and call this the end of part 1, girls you can’t live with or without them.