Updates and my emotional status the last couple weeks

This update may be a little later than I would have liked as I haven’t had the motivation to sit down and type anything.

After the last update my emotional status went to complete crap to the point I was having panic attacks just playing blue dragon and one night started crying lying in bed just listening to music.

 

I’ll get to that and dedicate most of this post to but for now general updates on things.

 

First thing that happened I went to take the covers of the pillows for airing and ended up splitting them lightly.  The pillows are shredded memory foam with a thin memory foam outer layer, which if you are not careful can rip easily which happened on both pillows.

I let the seller know about it and got a half return which was nice.

I then sewed the pillows back up but being thin foam with the split on-top which can stretch etc, this solution while will work and last a while if pillows are treated right is now a weak spot which at some stage could split again.

 

I got a phone cover for my Y320 and had to cut out the moulding on top of the buttons out to make the buttons easier to press as cases for different phones come with a ] shape cutout instead of a full mounded [-] shape so all I did was make the cut out more standardised to other cases.

 

x_rebirthI had been thinking about getting back into pc gaming for a while as recently I have been playing J-RPG’s on my Xbox 360, currently playing blue dragon which I haven’t been really motivated on the last few weeks but have managed to play for a few hours.  I have been missing the feeling of playing games like Skyrim, GTA and other FPS storyline games.

On my main computer I have a triple monitor system I’ll show another post, I put on X-Rebirth a few weeks back as I have been wanting to play a space game for ages, also especially a game like Decent which I have Miner Wars a recent ish game to play.

While I do have an older joystick a Logitech Strikeforce 3D (I got a replacement last year as it has rumble features no new joysticks have) I’m looking at possibly picking up a Saitek Hotas X55 Rino one of the top joysticks from a reputable online store here PCCasegear have pre orders going for $250 I may pre-order soon.  After I posted this post public I did some more research, went and pre ordered one.

I am also half interested at playing later other games like Elite Dangerous and while I don’t know if I’ll play I just cannot go without mentioning the most crowded funded kickstarted game with many millions raised, which I’m sure you all have heard about called Star Citizen.

While both are space games, I prefer Elite Dangerous looking through it’s features list, and like the ability land anywhere on planets that are 1-1 scale with fauna and creatures etc, in a post game expansion, Star Citizen on the other hand will only have some designated zones on planets to explore, I will have to see how each game holds up with gameplay.

Also I prefer the Saitek this over the Thrustmaster Hotas, as the Saitek also has a twist rudder z-axis on it and extra buttons and I think can use Saiteks modular add ons though im not too sure, as the Thrustmaster is a replica of a real fighter stick.  (I can hear you all sniggering behind your screens at the potential innuendo of the joystick and company names)

 

Well anyway, for ages I have had no audio system attached to my main computers and others on that side of the room and have only been using headphones for a long time, as my lounge room is set up with one side dedicated to my working PC’s, the other being my TV, Xbox and media pc where my couch is.

The other side of the room with the TV, media pc and Xbox 360 has a Pioneer VSX 919AH 7.1 HDMI amplifier attached to it, but I needed something for the other side of the room, so I went and ordered a manufacturer refurbished Pioneer VSX-1122-K directly from Pioneer themselves for $699, this amp will be my Media PC, TV and Xbox amp, the current one will go my computers on the other side of the room.  The reason for doing this is this new amp has 3D pass through, There is only 1  Xbox I like that has 3D, that’s Silent Hill Downpour, but also will come in handy if I ever got a stand alone Blu-Ray player as I watch movies occasionally, the amp also has internet music so I can sit on the couch listening to music, from Digitally Imported of course.

I have done some tests as I took the Nvidia GTX 560 video card out of my HTPC, which is left with onboard so I won’t turn that back on till the card is back in.  I put the card along side my GTX 590 in my main pc to test audio, as the GTX 590 doesn’t support an accessory display when nvsurround is active, meaning I need another video port as I run 1920×1200 on all 3 monitors instead of 1920×1080 which is the standard 1080p resolution amps support so I also couldn’t run the last monitor into the amp first.

The tests worked fine in X-Rebirth and my audio demos, so I’ll be looking at getting a secondary Nvidia card, possibly a GTX 750 for $140, not as powerful as my GTX 590 but should be good enough to use until I can afford the $1k for a GTX Titan or whatever comes after.

 

Ok so now everything else is posted my emotions.

Last year I had been following the online Japanese variety show ZeroTV by FujiTV, hosted by the mega star of Mecha Iteteru (One of the most known and popular variety shows in Japan and has its own theme park event and merchandise range) and other things he has done Takashi Okamura, who pretty much is known all over Japan and gets mobbed by spectators wherever he goes.  He has hosted many variety shows with mega girl groups such as Morning Musume and AKB48 and works with Jpop girl groups in general as well as having guests like the very crazy comedian Egashira 2:50.

So he has an online live show called ZeroTV which is where he and others go out and have a bit of fun followed by a big team staff with cameras, light boards boom mics and cable runners, they invite Jpop girl groups to sing and do random improv things and have guest interviews etc, all while broadcasting the entire thing uncut, including their traveling between locations and eating in which they also have a lot of fun, a typical episode usually goes anywhere from 4-8 hours straight and occasionally most of the day/night, when there not broadcasting they run a webcam from their office window with some japanese text hand written on the window when the next event is etc, it is watchable live and free online from the link above.  Memorable moments for me was a ferry trip between locations, where they saw Minnie and Mickey mouse cosplayers and all the improv stuff they do randomly.

 

Zero TV had a 24 hour live broadcast a couple of weeks back recaps are here, sadly I missed the first 13 or so hours of as I forgot it was on, it which seemed to be the best parts of it, but caught the rest of it with some Jpop bands another comedian who was dressed as a zombie in a box in a room, which they sent people in and told him when to react via comlink with the phrase ‘Zombie Go’ to come out to scare them in the end those people zombied the zombie and everyone broke into a dance.

When it ended my emotions went to crap, as for one missed most of it which I was upset about, also I do suffer from a post event depression even from watching something online, two my life isn’t that good I never really leave my unit here apart from checking mail and the occasional shopping.  Also as I mentioned I wasn’t happy before hand with depression due to my social life, which while was semi stable, I was on the edge and could have tipped at any time causing me to have an emotional breakdown.  Which did happen and I had a mild breakdown after this event.

The thing is with the show is that they go out and do random improv stuff, that type of stuff gets me down a lot as I want to do that stuff here, go to the city or somewhere and take a video camera and film random stuff going on, or take a boom box and randomly breakdance in a park at the foreshore in the city with others and just do random improv stuff, if you don’t know and never attended drama class, improv is improvisation which is the art of doing random things and skits right then and there on the fly, even if setup a little like the zombie prank and randomly slapping and play fighting with people, which friends do normally.  On Zero TV they do this stuff pretty much all the time, it’s what their show is mostly about, them having fun together and doing what friends etc do.  This is what I do much that it hurts and have done in the past with others.

 

The guy I was working with on my server went quiet, which I got hold of him mid-week to find out he has gotten busy etc with life and doesn’t have the time to really help with the rest of the coding of the site access script for the second site area, even though it is working but basic with some things still to look at for more security etc.  I had planned to offer him up to $100 or so on completion of the help, as well as an ongoing backend tech and staff position on the site once the help is finished and site is made to help make decisions and steer the site direction, so a position of power to help with the actual decision-making and steering of the site as a thank you.

Because of these things I slipped into a very depressed state and stayed in bed for most of the time and couldn’t even play blue dragon without panicking, last Saturday night I lied in bed and put on some Vocal Chillout and broke down and cried a little and realised I was having a mild breakdown.

During the last few weeks the weather has been perfect temperature to go out and do something outdoors and it really gets me down to the point I have cried at times, this is because I had a life once while weather was around, I did go out and do all the things with others I wanted to do back in 2009 and prior at youth groups etc but sadly all those fell apart after a while and now this weather depresses me as its also the perfect weather where you want to be outside to the point I really start panicking like an animal in a cage.  I have to try to find something to do to get out and enjoy the days but what? I keep trying to challenge myself to think of something but can’t and it’s making me panic a little even typing and editing this.

I also stopped really communicating with Scott as much as I used to, as in a way I don’t really see the point with talking to someone online when I have no real social life and I was ending up chatting to him for 5 hours a day not being able to do other things sometimes.  It’s just frustrating as he can’t go out with me anywhere or give me the physical’ness with friendship that I need, it’s the same as why I was frustrated that friends only did their own things.  At times it’s too much for me to have friends at extremes odds with my own wants and needs.  The thing is I or he can just log offline, which has happened to me in the past and that would be that, I don’t think he can help me here socially or in other ways if he can then I’d like him to go out of his way to try.

I wouldn’t mind chatting to people online if I had real friends, same with real friends that only did their own thing, if I had other friends that did my thing and stuff.  But the frustration of having an online friend you’re kinda only friend pretty much,  you can’t see, meet, go out with them etc and when you have no real friends where all local people you know or meet who want to be friends, don’t seem to want to hang out, or even contact you unless you are online and its convenient for them or you contact them first, yet somehow they all claim there your friend, somehow that just doesn’t feel right to me.  I just don’t want my only friends to be online I can’t see, meet or touch and its soo frustrating that in a way I’d rather have nothing at times, than to live with the frustrations of that.

 

I thought about things and recently realised that people don’t really do anything for me and when they do it’s not much and they think they are going out of their way to talk to me just to say hi or hang out when they don’t want to or something.  With me I always try to help people and do things for them I haven’t mentioned in this blog my past with that but it’s about time to come out and show you all what type of person I am.

I always try to help friends when in need, pay for them when we go out, try to be a moral support whenever I can, I always try to make sure friends are ok when going through a hard time.

Yet somehow I don’t get the same level of respect etc back with saying they have no money and won’t let me pay, always busy, don’t have the time, can’t help me cause they aren’t the right person to give me support, they also never really thank me when I do things for them, even though I say I don’t want anything back except friendship, as to me it feels wrong asking for a thank you as I don’t do things to get something back in return, no-one randomly thanks me or offers to take me out for food etc or do something I want anyway, even to show they care which many people do with others they know.  They all think they already go out of their way just to know me and say hi.  I will always thank friends helping me in some way as I have done in the past and will in the future.

 

In the past I have spent hundreds of dollars, asked people to go out because I care and want to socialize with them, only for them to use the ‘I only do my own thing with people’ line, or the ‘sorry im busy’ line, in which nowadays if someone does that I tell them straight how I feel that and its unfair only doing their thing, and being busy means they won’t get to know, or socialize and get comfortable with me, also I mention what would they feel if I did that stuff back to them, which I could easily do.  For the record I want things to work both ways not just their own, or my own way ,but both ways.

In the past people have asked me to reinstall their laptops or use their money to go out the very next day to buy them a laptop and set it up that week, also other people asking me to come and help and make sure they get home safely, to even helping them buy them things and giving them money etc, like my dad with occasionally asking me for loans and people asking me to go out somewhere because no-one else will.  All of which I do because I care, even with scott I got him that Zentai on a bet I made my return if I lost something to help him out, but when it comes to me I never have anything done for me and people don’t return the favours then get really and defensive about it all, people always give an excuse why they can’t do this or whatever.  For some reason its one way for them another for me.  I don’t even have people buy me things randomly because they care which I have done for many others in the past having spent hundreds of dollars on people in the past.

 

Yet I see people online randomly donating to others to help them out, surprising them when they are down to make them happy, even doing something online for someone else to help them without them knowing etc all of which has never been done to me, yet I go out of my way to help people whenever I can, there was one person I think I mentioned previously, on how I spent $700 in presents and other things in about two months because I really cared about them, it ended when they stopped contacting me back, another friend that went through a tough time a couple of years earlier I called and massaged every day that week to show that I cared only for them, only to have them not contact me back, only sending me a thank you card 2 years later that just said ‘thanks for being a friend’ no contact details or anything else on it.

To put it out there me spending money on people and going out of my way, I will do again when those times happen again, I do not want to stop caring about people because of how others have treated me.  I want to be the difference, the person who does the right thing in what should be done back to him.  Many people tell me not to do this but when you care you do things for people.

This has been going on pretty much all of my life, yet I’m told stuff like how ‘I don’t care about people’, ‘I only want pity from people’, that they ‘only do their own things’, also ‘don’t have time to help me’.  Especially girls that I try to get close with don’t seem to want to know me, yet will happily know the other guys who don’t seem really care or want to take an interest in them or in general.  Even trying to meet guys as friends is similar.  I recently  have said to myself every day the last year or so that the next person locally that cares about and gives me the time, without being stuck up etc, I will go out of my way to help and support them and overdo it because of how much I care and want to show that and I will.

But things are currently is taking its toll on me and I’m breaking down more and more inside, I can no longer sit back silently and just suck it up that no-one cares about me, especially so-called friends like I used to.  I am very depressed about having no social life, people don’t keep in contact unless its convenient for them and I’m online at the same time they are, old friends I stopped knowing as they only wanted to do their own thing, which is not healthy or productive at all from my side or there’s something a bit awkward about the friendship with that etc.

I know by writing this post nothing will change and I accept that as people do like and think its right to be like the above examples, there are many people out there that are going to say everything is my own fault and I somehow bring it all on myself, or why do I rely on others and that I need to do things myself etc and they are entitled to those opinions and they should be respected, just as I am entitled about mine and should also be respected.

The thing is you can’t live or have a life if no-one else wants to have one with you in return and share the friendship, as one sided’ness isn’t fun at all.  If no-one will employ you can’t and won’t have a job, if shopkeepers don’t want to sell food to you, you will have no food to eat and likewise if no-one will let you rent or buy a house etc.  In life we rely on others for most of our lives and how we live and if people don’t want to partake in things you want to do no matter what it is in life you can’t do them.

Having a friend, you rely on someone else to be a friend back to you and keep in contact with you etc, if no-one is willing to do that and you are trying and telling those people you care and to let you in and there’s things you want to do also, how is that your own fault? unless you are purposely causing it to happen it’s not your fault.  Same with friends only doing their own thing people think and have told me I expect too much from others, how am I expecting too much if I want to do something with someone and im 100% told no, yet they get all annoyed if I tell them no on something and tell me back that they only want to do their own thing.  Please think about this people before responding.  You cannot have a social life unless it works both ways.  I do try while focusing on these issues a bit too much at times ‘yes agreed’ because I’m trying to break out of the cycle and show people that they need to put in the effort also to know me with things I want to do also.

 

The last couple weeks I got messages from that person again wanting to hang out, but I’m not really interested, as mentioned something happened there and after saying the above stuff about social stuff its unfair if I don’t explain this, so here it is, please note I’m not trying to be discriminative etc against this person and its so easy to call one out about it but I hope you can look past that side and just the ongoing facts here.

Last year I met a girl in an electric wheelchair with dwarfism and other issues at a pub through someone who knew someone who is in a group of people I no longer know as they ‘only did their own things’ were ‘too busy’ and other things that had the potential to really hurt and frustrate me at times, yet these people were my longest friends which I was only friends with because they cared and without them I had no-one, yet these people only really seemed to care about themselves at times and only wanted to do things when it suited them, turning me down whenever I wanted to do anything, but overall they were nice people but got rude every time something happened and I got frustrated or annoyed with comments like how I didn’t care about others and only cared about myself etc to the point I no longer wish to associate with these people, which is another story.

Anyway this girl in the wheelchair I got chatting to one night at the pub from this guy I hardly have seen and we exchanged details, she asked me over just to chat as she lives near here the next day which I did.  From there I mainly went over there as she has to have a carer with her all the time and wasn’t really allowed to go anywhere during carer times.  Though soon afterwards we started going out places usually/always to bars and clubs etc, in which I don’t drink, clubs were ok though, we went in the evening after her carer had left.

While out she would get all angry like the world was against her and make facial expressions when people didn’t do what she wanted like charge her phone, as she was constantly using it to randomly Facebook and chat with others, which people don’t usually do for anyone and she should have one of those powerbanks with her if she wants to use her phone all day and night straight on Facebook and sms or suck it up like everyone else has to do.  She was also angry and frustrated when we were waiting 2-3 hours for public transport to start back up in the morning, in which case you go do something random like how I walked to the river after Neko Nation with music on to kill time while enjoying the lovely night, that was a was a really beautiful night weather and aura wise.

This angry ness went on most times we went out somewhere to the point I had to tell her to calm down and just relax and go with the flow which is what I did, as she was about to blow and have a breakdown, lose it or something.

 

Since the first night she tried to crack onto me and eventually she was demanding I sleep with her every time I saw her to the point she was screaming it at me a few times, as she thought by me doing that my life would suddenly get better and all the hate and issues I had would just go away, and I’d be a new person, which I l know it doesn’t just work that way.  So I wasn’t interested for a few reasons her condition etc only being one of them in which I had been called discriminative for.  But just to put it out there we all have a choice to in regards to that choice on what we accept as suitable or not, its like saying a foreigner or colored person is discriminating if they don’t want to do stuff that with your race/culture etc but somehow sexual preferences in that regard seems more acceptable.

Also I will come out right now and say I have not had sex before and I want my first time to be special with someone I might love and consider normal and there shouldn’t anything wrong with that.  If I wanted to have sex so bad I know exactly where to get it and the cost which last I looked was $250 for 30 mins or $320 an hour, kissing and cuddling extra, which depends on the girl if she allows that stuff, probably has gone up a little bit since then.  Also at least im one not one of those guys that thinks any hole regardless is good, I have met these types of guys before that will do any girl they see regardless.  I’m also not on the extreme other end of being too picky like a lot of guys online with the ‘do not want’ on average to nice looking girls you read in forums etc.

 

I do really care about people with most importantly love, as I make up my own special dreams where I have a girlfriend and never have sex with the girls in these dreams for example, I made one up where I’m link from Ocarina of Time and get to marry princess Zelda in the end, which is my longest made up dream having a girlfriend/wife etc going on 14 years and I have never ever had sex in it, the closest was an underwear scene I made up with a different girl in the dream on a camping trip to a lake, that was based partially on this video clip from Final Fantasy X and a loose take on a similar scene from the Dinotopia movie when the guy and girl working at the hatchery go for a swim in the middle of the night.  Dinotopia movie and series is brilliant if you haven’t seen it and Final Fantasy X is a great game to play on the PS2 or emulator called PCSX2.

I have actually been called a pervert in danger of committing rape and should be put on a national possible rape offenders watch list before by someone, who I thought knew everything about me including that I cry over vocal trance/chillout love songs.  If you guys haven’t figured out by now I’m a big softie by the type of music I posted and how I have been blogging, so if you didn’t gather that I care about love, hugs and happiness as the most important things in my life then something is seriously wrong.

I will say however I am an average guy and yes like most guys get horny and stuff which is natural for a guy, I have also screwed up before in some areas (as a lot of guys will screw up a few times) which I am ashamed about but that is the past and I learn and move on, I have found that if my life gets better socially and I’m out having fun and an active social life while happy that urge goes down and doesn’t bother me, even if nothing is happening in that area with satisfying it.

So she was demanding I sleep with her most times I saw her, also she lives with her fiance who is autistic and doesn’t get along with people so every time I was there when he came back from work he would be like ‘he should have left already and not be here when I come home’ in which sometimes I was there keeping her company on request so she wasn’t alone.  Last time I was there he started chucking stuff round the room when he saw me and she was like ‘what is your problem’ he pointed to me was like ‘him’, as well anytime we went out he would send messages begging her to come home and that he didn’t like her going out at all despite her not going out all day while her carer was there so if you put things together she wasn’t allowed to go anywhere and was mostly confined to her home which is a really sad thing as her fiance wouldn’t go and take her out anywhere.

 

I did try to get along with him I bought him a PS3 game he wanted for christmas and even offered to go out with him for food etc so he could get to know me etc and the type of person I was but he didn’t care, also at times she was trying to get me to avoid him asking me to walk her to the driveway and leave from there or leave at certain times before he got back or meet somewhere.  Both of them were constantly fighting most days and I was trying to get her to be a better person towards him as she was calling him names etc thinking that’s you treat someone like that, then she would end up bawling when he screams at her and loses it.  She told me she didn’t want to change and liked how things were.

Whenever I went out with her she was always drinking to the point she brought her own bottle with her in her backpack, though she was watering it down the last few times we went out, even her carers supported her drinking it in a way.  She claimed she needed to drink as without it she would just sleep and would be constantly tired when not sleeping and couldn’t drink water due to some inability to.  As well when we went out I was starting to feel like a carer myself having to care of her and make sure she was ok etc and help her do certain things like open doors to bathrooms etc.  Most places she couldn’t have come with me like Neko Nation, due to her disability being in a wheelchair and Neko Nation had a lot of stairs etc.

Also my anxiety was getting to me and I was quiet and awkward to the point last time we were out I left halfway through the night and went home and cried and decided not to know her anymore due to everything, as I need normal friends to do things with I can run, jump, dance with etc and the frustrations of knowing her like a carer, the drinking, constant hitting on me was a bit much especially if we in the future got really close as friends and her fiance then got jealous and wanted to take it out on me, which I could see happening.  Same with frustrations in a way as I mentioned in knowing people who only care about themselves or Scott being in another country.

 

So I spoke to my dad and laid it all out, he mentioned it wasn’t worth the risk, even using her to meet other girls through which wasn’t really happening anyway as she would tell everyone I was a virgin etc when they asked why I was shy.  I also told my dad about my other friends where I cracked and shut myself away a little which was all around the time I last saw her, so that’s been that and why I don’t wish to socialize with her.

 

So now I come to the end of another post on another lonely saturday night here where I’m at home doing absolutely nothing like usual except typing this post for 5 hours straight which is how long it takes me to type something like this up.

For a final thought I leave you with the first song I started this post listening to, Trilby – Be the One (Original Mix) which is a very powerful song from what I can hear and feel, which reflects what’s in my heart like a lot of other songs like this one Saint Of Sin – Sacred Voyage.

 

So until next time this is me Mark drguild a very lonely & depressed person currently signing out until next time.

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