Well Neko Nation was an interesting night overall, it had its ups and downs with future potential coming out of it in the end, in the interest of telling a story, I’ll explain that at the end.
There will be a general update later in the week on things.
This is a recap of my own night there, so let’s get started.
My Saturday started of as any other day mostly but a bit more organised, I woke up around 1pm, checked email did my usual medications etc, I also did the dishes I had been meaning to do.
About 4:30 pm after dishes I decided to put on my new microfiber sheets on my bed so I had something fresh to sleep on when I got home, then it was the time to start getting into a feel for the night, as I like to get into the feel and anticipation on something as it makes the night be more magical, sentimental and generally makes the night stand out and not blend into my normal life as much.
So I had a shower and put on some Anime and Japanese music to start getting into a mindset. I searched and found an app on google play called Anime Music Radio as I love to listen to Japanese and Anime music when going out to a convention or event & outing, which is directly related with that style of music to get into the feel of the event and outing.
Once I had gotten dressed, I was really happy with my look for the night, so I had something to eat, more meds and then it was time to head out the door, which for the bet I knew was the period from the moment I left until the moment I got back home.
On the way down listening to music, I was thinking to myself that it was a lovely night in general to go out, as it was a mostly clear sky and not too cold and the aura outside just felt good. I did a little ingress on the way to the train station which is hacking virtual portals and creating links between them on places of interest, but played in the real world, but that was it for ingress.
Once I got to the train station and on the train I noticed other night goers and starting feeling a little anxiety and uneasy as I don’t often go out in public.
A few stations later I noticed some people who got on the train that looked like they were going to the event, so I had a is this really happening, it’s not real moment and a bit of anxiety, as for me to go out places nowadays especially anything social is pretty rare.
So when the train got to the city I got off with the other people with cat ears on, that were talking about games and anime etc and just followed them from behind as it was obvious they were going to the same place as I was.
So we get to the line outside and I just wanted to just turn around and go straight home, as the whole way there I was freaking out a little, if the night was going to be good or not and if I was going to get emotionally hurt again, in which I expected the night to be an absolutely crap night with me ending up crying and being a complete mess like usual, only to go home without talking to anyone or anything happening.
As I walked in I got my hand stamps and showed my ticket and paused as I was unsure about the place etc, where a guy in front of a room was like this is the gaming room if you want to play some games with others, I mentioned I didn’t game when out with people for social stuff, I’m a guy that goes out for the night and other social interactions, not to just sit and game, even if its sociable which I can game and do all the time at home, so I don’t want to take that out with me places, so didn’t go into that room at all throughout the night, but they had game consoles set up and I don’t know if they had a couple PC’s or not.
The place itself was not what I expected it to be as I thought it would be smaller, but pretty cool never less as it was in a large older style building.
So I followed the majority of people who went downstairs.
Downstairs was a fairly largish room, there was a DJ booth setup with 3 or 4 people in it from video to decks etc some of the song transitions were awful, having constantly listened to mixes and sets of stuff and having my own dj controller, which I really suck at using ‘Pioneer DDJ-T1’, so there was a wall of monitors behind the booth, all showing the same thing and cosplayers in many different outfits, mostly clubbing gear were in the room, from pretty much furry bikinis and cat ears to full lolita outfits and a guy with a fursuit head on. I found the wall next to me and the entrance to stand at as I was feeling awkward and it was the closest spot to stand.
A girl I kinda knew that I had chatted to online and was the last person I did anything with about a month ago that was wearing a winter fuku (the winter version of the Japanese school girl uniform), noticed me and gestured that she noticed me, so I nodded in reply back but didn’t go say hi, as she was with someone and I didn’t want to disturb her, also last time I spoke to her she seemed a bit like she had her own social life and I don’t like to push my friendship etc onto others and let them come to me if they want to know me, due to all the past social interaction stuff I’ve been through.
A photographer was taking photos and was going to take some in front of me of people, so I decided to move to the left hand side wall at the corner to get out of his way as it looked fairly empty, which is where I was set for the next few hours.
So sitting down on the edge of a seat at a wall I was watching people around me greeting, hugging and socializing nearly all of them were in a group, but I don’t know how to interact with others and I was by myself, at that stage I was really wanting to go home and just cry all night, as I had only been there about 30 mins or so. While I probably could have pulled myself up to go walk around or something and try to have fun I didn’t, as in a way in a situation like that you get kinda comfortable and unmovable from your position and having Social Anxiety makes it worse.
So I just sat there and noticed people around me dancing and having a good time and getting each other involved in fun things, so I stopped really looking and kinda sat there either looking at the wall or down a little at the ground feeling pretty down.
While I was sitting down there was usually a 2- 3 meter buffer from me to the nearest person like everyone was avoiding going near the corner I was at, those that sat next to me seemed to not notice me at all as if they might actually sit and accidental bump me or something without knowing I was there.
The catgirls came round with sushi and one offered me a piece I was like no thanks as I was awkward and felt uneasy etc, she had that awww your making me sad pouty look for not accepting and put a piece down next to me like, it’s there if you want it and walked on to serve more sushi to others which I felt bad and ate the piece.
So for about 2 hours I was sitting there pretty much not talking or interacting either half looking at others or the wall/ground.
At this stage is when I noticed my buffer towards others messaged Scott online saying, I had a Chernobyl exclusion zone around me, the night wasn’t looking like it was going to get any better and to start thinking up what to tweet about for when I got home.
A about 10 mins later a guy stops at me and asks if I’m ok as if I was hurt or something, I said I was physically fine but remembered what someone said about someone coming up and asking if I’m ok, so I mentioned I came alone and didn’t know anyone here and I was down as a result, he suggested I get up and try to meet people I was like that won’t work due to Social Anxiety etc, he was eager to move on but gave me a bracelet thingy, wished me luck and disappeared into the crowed.
A group of girls sat next to me 10 mins or so after the last guy, which were on the same train and one noticed and asked if I was feeling sick or something, I mentioned that I was a little but overall I was fine. She responded that If I didn’t feel good I needed to tell someone and couldn’t just keep it in, she asked if I wanted a hug I was like ok, so we lightly hugged and she went back to her friends before I could react and say something.
At that point I started panicking quite a bit and was emotionally kicking myself for not being more responsive and saying how I was emotionally feeling as opposed to physically and felt I had blown any chance I had for the night. I wanted to go over and tell that girl how I felt and talk to her and see if I could change my night by opening up to someone and being included, as she did come up and ask how I was but she was with her friends and I didn’t want to look like a weirdo pouring all my issues out, so I didn’t.
Shortly after these guys sit next to me and one of them asks how I was, so I said I wasn’t the best, the guy was persistent in me telling him what was going on and if I was with anyone etc which I wasn’t. He told me I was there at least and that alone meant things had changed and told me about himself a little and a random very drunk experience with him and another guy even though he was straight and somehow I mentioned I had never had a gf etc and he asked if I had been kissed which I was like once, so he was like good then I don’t have to, what brought that up I have no idea it was just how the conversation flowed. I could tell he had been drinking a bit much as he asked, got my number, said that he will look after me and sent a drunk text, at which point he with his friends decided to go out for a smoke, which I don’t smoke or drink, in which there reply was you’re a smoker now, I wasn’t going to take part in that, I have my limits and stuff and I don’t want to go there but he grabbed my arm to go with them anyway for a chat.
On the way there I bumped into a guy from a social club that a girl I knew just over a year ago went to and been to a few times, so I told him what had happened with that girl and the outcome of ending up with her stopping communication etc, after I had spent nearly a thousand on her in various things, with the only thing I wanted back in return was continued friendship, which at the time left me very suicidal state and at the same time my life up with other friends had issues and I stopped knowing all her friends at the same time as I stopped knowing her, so they grabbed him along also. Overall things since then a year and a half ago hasn’t been good.
Outside we bumped into 2 more people random a guy and a girl, I didn’t know and I told everyone about how I wanted to start a support site for people like me with depression and anxiety and how this blog came to be and the bet I had just lost and need to sort out with Scott now , I kinda blurted out everything at that point to everyone without thinking due to frustration etc, about my recent ish friends I don’t speak to now and that I do absolutely nothing and how the whole anime thing back in 09 fell apart and cause the last 4 and a half years of me living in a mess of things not working out and anxiety etc and that the week of knowing that other girl a year and a half ago was the last Neko Nation I only know about as I didn’t know about the others since till it was too late, with how I missed that one, so to finally go was a bit unsettling for me as well as everything else going on. Also that normally I was usually more quiet and awkward than how I was talking to them which is true. They had a photographer come up wanting a photo I was like no thanks as I was feeling a bit awkward, they tried to get me in and the photographer knowing photography social interaction conduct rules, mentioned to them it was my choice if I wanted to or not and not to push it. I was awkward and not used to photos with people and just met them etc, though they were like you’re a friend now.
The event photographers all round here know the rules of allowing people their space with their own choices as I believe in the past there have been some instances in regard to this.
So we go back down the guy I kinda knew from a year ago went and did his own thing and the guy from those two people we just met said he would keep an eye on me to make sure I was ok, which they did, we went to the center they were dancing and got me involved and I actually danced a little, which my head was spinning going this is not real. Occasionally they asked how my anxiety was and if I was ok, the guy that broke my night was there and told me they were out to celebrate someones life that passed away recently and I mentioned if it wasn’t for him I would most likely still be in that corner alone .
So for the next couple hours or so I was with those people in the middle of everyone having a okish time and chatting etc I kept randomly talking about myself with various stuff due to being nervous, with some stuff I liked etc with anime etc on how much a night like that night meant to me, as its my inner soul and self, a combination of anime trance and cosplay and the scene all rolled together is all who I am inside.
Eventually those 2 left which I never exchanged details with but that doesn’t matter, so it was me and the other guys again and music style had changed so I was a bit urgh in dancing etc so he started rubbing my hair etc and trying to get me dancing, which I felt was awkward as if one would think he was trying to hit on me, asd I was concerned with my outward image there, which I was like I’m all for it if it was a girl, so I went and sat down for a bit and noticed some people playing super smash brothers on a console at the back of the hall, so he comes up and we chat, he asks how I’m getting back which I was like I’m here all night, he mentioned I could stay with him for the night as his dad lives down my way, but I felt a little awkward from that with him rubbing my hair etc he said nothing would happen, not that I would let anything happen anyway. His friends chatted to me in this period told me to look up music etc, saying it’ll change my life.
Try chill out and vocal trance with love songs etc I have a few songs listed in my about page, its been keeping me sweet and pure and caring with tears of many things for the last 14 years nearly every single day and helping me to post these blog posts.
So we decided to get back outside and chat with his other friends as they wanted to smoke again, and he asks what I think about him, so I was honest and said that he seemed a bit drunk, weird etc and I was uneasy with him, he was like what im weird before I could also say that I felt he seemed overall a good person, which I did eventually say he says he could get me a job and stuff I mentioned about what I wanted to do etc and my anxiety etc has stopped me from that.
I asked him why doesn’t he stop doing stuff he’s doing, referring to stuff I won’t mention here and apparently he is trying in a way and know that it’ll take a long time and he will need encouragement and support to do so and is why I want to do this site. At this stage a guy gives me and others a glow stick bracelet as he was talking to his friends.
So we go back inside and here things her weird he starts trying to really get me involved and a bit touchy with trying to get me up to dance etc, which I was awkward with but I can understand how he felt, that me sitting quietly was bad and putting myself out of the group and not getting involved, so I stand at the front near him not to get in the way of people dancing, as if I was some kind of bouncer at the front of the booth, there were girls dancing on tables and he joins them etc, I sit on the side after a bit and had a bit of a stomach upset due to probably lack of food and anxiety, people start leaving at it was just near or just past midnight or so and from there it thinned out pretty quick. I notice around here a catgirl was spinning the decks.
He comes over to try to try to me back in tries to start chatting to girls next to us etc and mentioned that he tries to hook up with all the girls and he wanted photos with the hottest girls of the night when he goes out, my reply was hows that working out for you, his answer was that it doesn’t really work out, which I know that girls don’t like that kind of stuff.
So he brings me back in the middle for a bit so then I decide to go sit down at the back again for a breather, where I notice he starts talking to a group of girls up on the table which happen to be the group at the start from the train where the girl asked if I was ok, about here I notice most people had left being 2am last train had gone at this stage.
Sometime around here Scott comes up on Skype but doesn’t talk much to start.
He comes up to me and chats and the girls come up with him, he mentioned something to this extremely cute but small girl in height he was chatting to, she comes up and asks me to join in and she puts out her hand, I second guessed it but took it anyway as it’s not everyday you get to hold a cute girls hand like that, as she helps you get up. Here I noticed that the place was thinning out even more.
So we stay at the back and a bunch of people start greek circle dancing, when I somehow end up in the centre with him and the other girls which were still there thinking er ok then. The girls he was chatting with decide to leave at this time as I presume they went to get the last train at 2am back home.
Then the circle group go back to dancing in front of the booth and I join, a girl from the circle dance group in a black lolita outfit starts talking to me, at which point I say I had anxiety and I forced myself to go out when she asked about me, so her eyes open wide, she pulls me to the back of the hall and tells me that she has severe anxiety also and gives me the biggest hug I had in a while and says that its great that I got out here and that she nearly didn’t come out herself.
So we got back to the others she grabs my hands and puts me in a type of proper dancing position and says, you feel as much of an idiot as I do, I was like yep so she was like now you can move your hands round as it won’t be as awkward in which I have a think to laugh when embarrassed in situations like that, as a guy she was with starts poking me I start backstepping fast, he was like see he’s dancing now, apparently he says he is an old rocker etc.
The guy I was with gets up on the table and talks and dances with a girl in a white fury bikini and fury boots, that had a nice body on her, I was surprised at her stamina with how much she was dancing, I couldn’t really see her face due to the paint, she seemed to have been up there on the table most of the night, I think her face had with a skeleton thing painted on it, I wondered how nice her face may look underneath that painted skeleton mask out of interest.
The girl I had been chatting to, friend sits down on a couch thingy, which I couldn’t help feeling bad for, as he seemed a bit like he overdid it or something. At the time she also went and took photos with a couple of people.
So eventually she asks me for my details to keep in contact as a new friend and next time to go do something with her, so she got my Skype and email as I don’t use facebook at the moment due to what happened a year and a half ago and people only seeming to want to chat and know me only know me there online and not in person, which she came up just tonight on Skype (I’m always invisible as I don’t want people to only know me if I’m conveniently online and come up on their list), she didn’t say much before excusing herself to sleep etc, which I apologized for not knowing what to say as I am extremely shy and if I was open at Neko Nation was just the whole ‘what the’ with what was going on, as it was very unusual and different from me going somewhere and being alone and then end up crying at the end, so my brain was a bit overloaded and out of it to really think etc.
While I’m focusing on that lolita girl in the black dress and stuff, to exchanged details and chat, I notice that guy and girl on the table have disappeared at about the same time, I had a feeling what happened and I’m sure you reading this may have also from my descriptions of the night. If that is the case then good on him and I feel a bit jealous over it.
So me and the girl stay till the end, she leaves about 10 mins earlier than I do, which ended up being about 5 left in the dance hall when the dj was asked to wrap it up as it went till 3:10. At least they let him play the song out, I once was at a big club of 500 people or so with big international DJ’s playing, still fully packed an hour overtime and no-one wanted to go home, when they just cut the power to dj console without warning the dj which put both his hands up like what’s going on and the police showed up and all emergency doors opened to close the club down for the night or in that case morning.
So I leave after the dj finishes and notice she is still round at the front at the ticket stand and that guy had definitely left.
So I walk outside and pause a bit unsure what to do for the next 3 hours till the train starts up, the girl comes up and says she will really contact me again which she did tonight, which I feel a bit awkward if by me being shy and awkward which always happens, has already turned her off chatting to me, though I did tell her I would be worse and more quiet than how I was during the night, I also don’t want to overdo it, blurt out all my issues again and scare her off, I hardly get to make a new friend so when I do its something I treat with caution, as I lose people just after meeting them so much for some reason or they have their own lives and why I’m always like this.
There were other things talked about like going out doing certain things etc with that guy and making a challenge, he wouldn’t stop contacting after 3 months, somewhere within the night and I know I may have left a few extra things out I have since I published this, added some in, but overall this is the main night.
Pics from Neko Nation aren’t online and I don’t have any no good camera phone etc till my P7 gets back from warranty and wasn’t going to take my 500D as I am not a hired photographer there, so when pics are online they will appear here.
So I decide to put on Anime music and take a walk to the river after the night for a bit to reflect while chatting to Scott, even though I should have found a toilet to use first.
So I head down to the river for an hour or so which was a very nice full moon and the river was calm and peaceful and a brilliant time for a bit of a reflection on the night, at that time of night being 3:30am or so.
Afterwards I head through a park and the supreme court gardens and onto northbridge the clubbers district, which is through the arts center and describe stuff to scott on the way there, most clubs had shut due to newish drinking and violence rules saying they cannot stay open till 6am anymore which is annoying when the trains start back up at 6:30am, so taxis were everywhere like usual picking everyone up, so I head to the bathroom then back to the train station where I had 96 minutes to wait for a train.
So Scott comes up on voice chat and we talk for an hour then it was time for the train 30 mins later which I finally got to go home.
Got on the train to go home and once I got to my suburb there was a massive cold wind, which unfortunately I had to walk straight into, so it was hard walking as it was a lot of cold wind which I did not like.
As I got to the park just a few houses down from my complex block I live in, my interim phone battery dies, which wasn’t too bad but an extra 5 to 10 mins would have seen me to my door. I did push that phone a bit, with 5 hours of music streaming, Skype and general stuff being used on it all night. My old phone would have lasted 1-2 hours max not 12 hours total use of about of 5-6 hours actual in use.
Once I got home, I slept on my new bed sheets which were really comfy, but my sleep was broken due to waking up for toilet stuff a few times and just general head buzzing from the night.
So overall I don’t know if I will hear from that guy, its nice I heard from that girl, for anyone wondering no chance at all something will come out of that I have a feeling she is taken and nothing even reflected things going that way or interest, to me a friend is good enough and better than the current life I live, I’m not thinking at all along those lines, I only mention this here because I know people reading will jump on this going OMG a girl do you have a chance? I never ever think that way, you need to let those thoughts go and just go with the flow, if I get a friend then all good.
Meeting someone is just that meeting and socializing with someone, any guy who looks into it more than that should be ashamed of himself, unless the girl is hinting at something more and there’s chemistry there, a guy should take a casual meeting and new friend as just that, which I do.
For me its a major miracle if I just get a friend I can talk to and hang out with, as knowing someone where you are occasionally chatting online to having a friend that you can go out places with, are entirely two different things from my experience and I really need the latter, as I never ever go out with anyone and don’t really want friends I only see once a month, where I spend the rest of the time by myself alone or friends I never see or do anything with, as it hurts me a lot and creates tension and more anxiety.
So that’s the night I don’t know what to make of things, now its back to being alone and depressed, playing Blue Dragon while reflecting on things, I will be feeling pretty down now after Neko Nation, wondering if anything will actually come out the night or if I looked like a complete weirdo to everyone who has massive issues and just causes all the problems for himself. The social contacts I made, that girl I have no idea where it will go, I don’t expect much, especially from that guy who kept me company and tried to include me all night, but I’m open and will try if anything comes out of the night but I’m doubtful.
This is me signing out till another general post.