First of I couldn’t think of an image to use for a weekly update about things, so went with this one if you have ideas or would like to make one for me, please let me know and I’ll make sure you get something worthwhile out of it.
The weekly or mid weekly update has been on my mind even before installing this blog with how I would present news and updates. While I may not do an update every single week I wanted a post that shows a general all round update on things if I don’t have enough stuff for its own post.
The last update was testing the waters for this format, as well as being a frustrations post for the last couple weeks, so didn’t want to use the same image as I’ll assign that image to general frustration updates and the first featured image I used, I’ll assign to long rants on things to do with communication and likewise for dedicated health posts, I will use the heart image.
There’s a few things I wanted to post before the weekend as I’m planning to go out Saturday night for first time social wise since around the time of last convention Supernova about a month ago, which I ended up in tears at the end of it, feeling very invisible and not wanting to do anything ever again due to just looking at stuff I want in things like friendships etc, that seem to be waved in front of my face like ‘na na you can’t have this’, So firstly before I get into that, some general updates on stuff.
With my health my cough is down a lot as I mentioned and that’s great, I saw the doctor yesterday and was put on more antibiotics as they may be working, he also gave me a nasal spray to try in the evening and another type of puffer to try but when I opened it the expiry date was February 2014, so I can’t use it and need to continue on the other for another couple of weeks until I see him again.
When I got back home after doing some light shopping for veggies, cheese and snacks and sending back my earphones which tracking has shown accepted at their company today, I went to check the mail and on the way back to my unit the postman was at my door and was just about to leave as he had my microfiber sheets I had bought, that was a bit tight timing for me to check the mail and I should have left my note for him up while I checked the mail.
As I live in a unit block between the back of a horseshoe road, we have two driveways one on the left when coming into the area is the mailboxes, my unit is on the right where the postal van was parked.
When I opened the parcel I noticed the price on the label with the bar code was listed as $89.95, I had paid about $26 for the bed sheet set, they have just been put on the line as I started this post on their initial wash before I use them (now as I just the finished typing this post they are dry and ready to bring in).
When I checked my email yesterday I got a surprise from the lady at Audiofly as I enquired about the warranty terms on the site stating that all mail addressed to them needs a ‘Return Authorisation’ case number or else the mail will be returned unopened, as normally its common to get a RA number when sending products back especially for computer and I.T stuff.
Well the girl on the email noted and thanked me for picking that up as well as reading all the terms and conditions with regard to warranty, which is apparently an error on their side from a previous site maintainer and has offered me a T-shirt as a thank you which I humbly accepted, not that I need a T-shirt after spending about $400 on a new general look and style about a month ago you can see in my profile image, which is my newish everyday look.
I also had a call from my dad yesterday and didn’t have much of a voice, not that it mattered as I don’t speak to anyone at all most days, also I continued blue dragon while I haven’t gotten too far in the game, I’m spending a lot of time just generally killing stuff and casually playing and progressing as well as searching / clicking on things as there are thousands of things to click on to search for items like every single rock etc, I am really enjoying the game though, as its very reminiscent of the early Final Fantasy games and Chrono Cross etc, I recommend checking out.
So now onto the main story of this post.
This Saturday in a few days time I’m going to Neko Nation for the first time, which is an Anime, cat person themed nightclub and social gathering in the city held once or a few times a year, though this year they also held a ferry-boat gathering on the river here a few months ago.
The event goes from 8pm to 3am, is cosplay, cat, dress up themed and is for people 18 years and above as it is an adult themed event with a bar etc. There are many things to do such as the nightclub, drink if you want to, I don’t drink though as a personal choice and wanting to always maintain control of myself, free sushi all night served by cat girls, console games setup in a chill out area as well as other things to do and enjoy yourself with, with the other event goers.
I nearly went and bought some motorised brainwave cat ears for the event, but was a bit unsure of myself so didn’t get them.
Here is the image logo of this event and their website.
So here’s the thing, while I am excited about and looking forward to going, I am very scared and dreading going to the point I want to curl up into a ball and cry. My social life is currently not good, I don’t get calls or messages apart from family and occasionally my tenancy here for maintenance, updates etc, and I don’t go out much at all, people don’t email me at all, even my social media is pretty dead. Also I do not do well in social situations due to my social anxiety, bad luck and past experiences with being and feeling left out and ignored.
I wanted to go to Neko Nation last year in February and was hoping to go with someone, but that person stopped talking to me that week after I spent about $400 on them a week before at the Anime convention to buy what they wanted and other money fort their birthday presents etc around that time, which due to my anxiety and stuff left me in a very bad emotional state after it all and isn’t the first time I had been left in that state after trying to be there and care for and get to know others, I have some shocking stories in this regard.
Also with the last convention I went to I felt pretty much invisible and unnoticed to everyone there, I know I wasn’t cosplaying which makes a huge difference in that regard, but I don’t have it in me to cosplay due to social expectations on how people will look and judge me and falling out with people, which seems to be a major issue for me. Also I have gone to other social events one being called Byte-Nite here in the city, and just been standing all by myself mostly alone all night watching others with their friends etc, then going home pretty much crying for the rest of the night without talking to another person.
So I cannot handle going to pretty much any social outings or really out in public due to this severe social anxiety, from falling out and having issues fitting in and making friends, which has gone on most of my life to the point that I stopped knowing all the friends I had a few months ago, as they only wanted to go out and do something with me when it was what they wanted to do, then they get all upset, defensive and annoyed when I pull them up on that and want them to do something back with me that I want to do, as I don’t really ask anyone to go out and do anything anymore, as I have been rejected with some reason nearly 100% of the time that it’s no longer funny and is really hurting me with how I see and believe people to act and treat me in general and their desire to be friends, also I am not working or studying as a result of expectation’s and that no-one would want to employ someone like me anyway. So when I go out I usually get very emotionally hurt just seeing people there with their friends, socializing, making new friends and just having fun, to the point I want to go home and constantly cry for hours and not live anymore that people don’t seen seem to care about me and what I want to do, which I have done on many occasions, which is how I felt at the last convention I went to.
Overall however with Neko Nation I feel and believe this will be the same as everything else I have tried to do, with not working out or fitting in and with Neko Nation being something that really touches on who I really am inside with who I am, this is going to hurt even more.
With how much it may potentially hurt I may end up feeling like I really want to shut this site and the rest of my hosting down and just stop living, but I know that while I may not want to live I can never go through with suicide, even if I am very on the very edge which I have been a few times, It’s just not an option for me due to fear of the unknown and that all I want is a normal active good life. Though I do hope something can come out of the night and the above is a reference on what could potentially happen and is the normal way for things to happen after an event like that.
I did make a bet with someone, Scott the only person I chat to online, I’m not making that up either as no one talks to me online. I found him on a forum going through a hard time fitting in with the other members and a lot of issue’s he was going through at the time, that I just had to reach out and help him out, as I couldn’t just leave someone like that, like me in that situation and he is one of the reasons why I started looking into this hosting and server platform I run, so I can help others in similar situations which I have always wanted to do from watching the Japanese Drama ‘Densha Otoko’ which is another story related to a big project warranting its own blog post at some time on here.
So we made a playful bet as he thinks I may meet a girl and friend there or even more, which I know won’t happen from many past experiences, luck etc. He wants to get himself a zentai and has been talking about getting one for meditation for a few months now, but doesn’t have money or the full desire to do it. So made a bet with him that if his idea of my night comes true, I will buy him that zentai and also build and open up my potential support site I’m planning for various Anime, Cosplay etc lovers going through a rough life needing support and love from others. Also in return if my prediction comes true, which most likely the night will be the same as usual etc and I will end up crying and hating life etc and feeling left out, that he has to tweet about his feelings and try to publicly show his support and get others he knows to also show support and that they care, while trying to help me get back on my feet. He has said he did try to post on Facebook about me but no-one cared which is very much my usual luck and how things go with me.
I am pretty confident that my prediction will come true, as meeting a friend or a potential girlfriend is so far and unrealistic to my normal lifestyle, luck etc, also since about 5 years ago, I had a fun bet against, that if anyone could get me a girlfriend there’s one thousand dollars in it for them, that its gone on too long and from meeting girls various places online and offline and then they just stop contacting me very soon after chatting or meeting, that it’s just not funny or a joke anymore, even trying to keep and make friends with people I casually chat to so that socializing goes both ways doesn’t work out, as they get really upset and say stuff how I seem to only care about myself and they are allowed to do their own thing, which is true but in return I’m allowed to expect friendship back on my own terms also, these are things hurting me that I cannot seem to overcome. But in the interest of giving Scott his chance and for fun, because I like to bet against the forgone conclusions, I went ahead with the bet with him already knowing the outcome from a lot of past experiences.
You can follow his twitter here and read what support he will post about me after the weekend.
Overall I would love to see my life turn around and will give things on saturday night a fair and proper chance for that to happen, as I desperately want things to change and to be a new person, but with my luck and how things normally go I cannot see it happening and is a reason why really I’m really scared about going, if I’m going to go get emotionally hurt again while watching others have their own social lives, like usual when I go out and want things to change and get better.
I hope everyone wishes me luck and please show your support for me or not, before I leave on saturday night to try to encourage me more to do my best and show that other real people believe in me, which at the moment I do not believe.
I will be doing a full wrap up on the night maybe Sunday night or Monday depending on how I’m feeling, which may or may not be my last post here depending on the outcome of the night and support I get.